Offer any real-time strategy fan the chance to play a game called “Stalin vs. Martians”, and you might get them to crack a smile. This smile might even reappear as the game loads and they begin to watch the incontrovertibly campy premise play out. Once the gameplay begins, however, any hint of a smile is likely to be replaced by a grimace. On practically every level imaginable, Stalin vs. Martians fails to present itself as anything worth spending hard-earned money on. The mechanics, visuals, and overall design are indescribably bad.

Let’s start with the presentation, shall we? Stalin vs. Martians is clearly intended to be a cheesy distraction for strategy gamers. How does it fail to execute this plan? For one thing, a cheesy premise is only as good as its narrative. Narrative seems to be more of a joke than an absent element in Stalin vs. Martians. A story that delivered comedic amusement to the audience would have given this game substantial entertainment value, even if the gameplay wasn’t so great. Why the levels are peppered with bizarre music videos simply defies all explanation. Perhaps the game was intended to hold your interest just long enough to advertise the musical group, but I don’t think these guys will be earning a huge following after appearing in this game.

Even at the most rudimentary level of presentation, Stalin vs. Martians fails to dazzle the eye. A mind-numbingly basic assortment of geometry in a Crayola palette world simply does not cut it these days, even with younger players. Sounds in the game are equally horrid. The game does not simply feel outdated, it is downright poor. Far worse than the superficial environment is the gameplay design. Even the simplest of tasks, such as moving a squad from one location to the next, is a tiresome ordeal; so frustrating are the basic commands (for which there are no shortcut keys), players may find themselves wondering if the whole game is intended to be some type of joke, or the product of some poor sap losing a bet. When I tell my men to move north, why should they move east when there’s nothing blocking their way? If taking orders from Stalin was anything like this during the war, I would have likely sided with the Martians. Even if there weren’t any aliens, and everyone thought I was nuts, I would still side with them. It’s just that bad.

The enemies themselves are strangely difficult to deal with (and one of them is clearly asking for a lawsuit from Disney). Rather than rely on a more conventional or traditional design of combat units for a strategy game, Stalin vs. Martians appears to have attempted something quite new – and not in a good way. The arbitrary arrangement of units thrown at the player often makes the game feel difficult if not impossible to control – possibly like a real war in that sense, but not fair enough for some campy video game. The player is rarely provided with an adequate explanation of the game mechanics or elements, so what seems like a victory one moment will appear to be a loss when the same tactics are used in a similar situation. Not surprisingly, this heightens the player’s sense of continuous frustration. I cannot honestly understand why anyone would play through the entire campaign on their own volition, assuming they bothered to spend money on this title in the first place. My advice? Avoid Stalin vs. Martians as though your life depended upon it. 

Gameplay: 2.0
Easily some of the worst mechanics I have ever encountered in a game; this game will infuriate players to no end.

Graphics: 4.0 
Simplistic visual design that fails to dazzle, impress, or even charm at the most basic of levels.

Sound: 3.0
There seems to be some effort here, but the coarse cacophony of the “music videos” actually makes things worse.

Difficulty: Medium/Hard
Lack of balance and poor design make the game inappropriately difficult in several areas.

Concept: 6.0 
Not necessarily a bad idea, if only there had been more thought behind it.

Overall: 3.0
It would be inaccurate to call Stalin vs. Martians an “ugly duckling” or “cult classic.” It is neither charming nor entertaining, and should have spent at least a few more months in the development studio. As it stands, it is barely even playable.